Looking Forward

The holidays have passed us by, and the new year is upon us. We are hoping that 2009 will bring joy and happiness to all that we know and love.

2008 was a hard year for us. In many aspects. We didn't think it could get much worse, but we were very naive and were forced to take a look at what was really important. What had us looking ahead and optimistically happy was suddenly and tragically taken from us, as we lost our sweet little baby. I cry as I sit here, clearly I was not as ready to do this as I thought. I hope you will all forgive me if I do a little self-healing here.

December 30 was going to be a great day. We had my little sisters baby shower and it was my dad's birthday. It was sort of the "close" to the holidays, as it would be the last family celebration before everybody was back home. I had scheduled my routine doctor's appointment for the same day, thinking I would just run up in between parties.

My appointment consisted of all the normal stuff. The nurse came in and scheduled my next visit, which would be my ultrasound and the day we would be able to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. I was very excited to get that date set in stone. The doctor came in, went over the routine question and answer period, and then laid me down to listen to the heartbeat. When he couldn't find it, I was nervous. But, he assured me that it didn't necessarily mean anything, and that we would do an ultrasound. As we walked down the hall, he told me that I was far enough along that he might be able to tell me the sex of the baby. Suddenly I forgot about being nervous and excitement ran through me. I thought "this will be a great birthday present if I can find out".

As soon as the doctor turned on the ultrasound I knew something was wrong. I couldn't see the flutter of the heartbeat, and I swore to myself that I should be able to see it, but I didn't say anything--and neither did my doctor. It seemed like an eternity. Sure enough, my doctor put his hand on my arm and told me the bad news. It was shocking. I was numb. I cried, but not too much. I couldn't feel anything. And although I remember sitting there listening to my doctor go over details, I can't really remember feeling anything but heartache. As soon as I left the office and called Shane, I completely lost it. Shane was in shock as well. I sent him to my parents house so he could tell the family before I got there. I cried all night long and couldn't understand why this had happened.

Because I was so far along and the baby was too big for a D & C, I had to be induced into labor the next morning. It was tough to be in the labor and delivery room, knowing the outcome. I was flooded with memories of giving birth to my girls, and my heart ached even more. My labor was a long 9 hours. I had the epidural late which made it seem worse. Shane sat by my bedside all day long, just thinking. He wasn't sure that he wanted to see the baby, but I knew that I wanted to. The baby was delivered at 6 pm, and we got to hold the little one and say goodbye. It was amazing to look at the tiny little face, and every finger and toe. Our baby was perfect. I knew instantly that Heavenly Father had special angels to hold my baby until I could, one day.

They called it a cord accident, and it is very rare. Everything with baby and me had been perfect. But the little angel wasn't able to survive after getting tangled in the umbilical cord. The cord was around baby's neck 3 times. I have struggled with this, knowing that it was a flukey accident. I couldn't help but feel extremely unlucky and even angry, at times. But through all of this, we have felt extremely loved and blessed and feel Heavenly Father's hand over us and our family.

I spent New Year's Eve in the hospital, and came home New Year's Day--with a hope for good things in the future. We can never replace our little one, nor will we ever forget, but we will try to look forward with hope and faith that things will get better.

Right now, I'm still trying to get past the physical recovery from the whole labor and delivery thing {not fun, as most of you know}. Also, my emotions are still getting the best of me. We have been spoiled with love from family and friends, and we are going to get through this. I apologize for the length of this post--but I needed to do it for me. Thank you all for your love and concern, and your prayers. We are extremely appreciative of every act of thoughtfulness.

Girls in white dresses...

Every year at Christmastime I look forward to hearing about other people's "favorite things". It gives me good ideas and creates a new wish list in my head that I can ponder about over the coming year. In fact, I love to see Oprah's "favorites" episode that she does every year--because I, too, would love to be able to share my list of favorites with all of my favorite people--but that's not happening until I become as freakishly wealthy as Oprah {someday}. So, I'll fill you in on this year's list--but don't expect any fancy packages arriving on your doorstep anytime soon.

My animal fur blanket. Had it for a couple of years now, and it's the best.

Big Star jeans. Worth the splurge. Can I find some in maternity?

My raquetball raquet. Love that my family loves to get together and play.


My Dyson. Seriously, I want one for every room in my house. And then some more.

To go along with my fur blanket. And a good book.

Any Utah apparel. It's super hot. I don't actually own this particular zip-front hoodie, but I want to.

What's on your list?

Feelin' the Love

I'm so feeling the love. And I'm thinking that all this rambling that I do is paying off. Because I got a trophy. Ok, not a real trophy, but an "I love your blog" award from my friend Coral. And I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. The rules are that I now have to pass this on to 7 people whose blogs I adore. So, after much deliberation, the winners are: Mandee, Jamie, Norman (because he makes me laugh), Moira, Brittney, Amy, and Angie K. So, winners, know that I love you--and take the logo and pass it on to your favorites.

Made with Love

Just some of the girls--gift exchange 2007!

One of my most favorite Christmas traditions is the Haynie family Christmas party! We get to be together as children, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and great-grandparents. It is fabulous company! And the best part (aside from the food, of course) is the gift exchange. There are rules, of course, which makes it a bit exclusive and better! Only women are allowed. And only those who have graduated high school and therefore qualify as an "adult". Also, your gift should be homemade, if at all possible. It is so exciting to pass around the exchange, and to see what everybody has come up with. These are a very talented bunch of girls! And I have come home a happy chick for many years.

However, the stressful part is coming up with what to make each and every year. But as I do, and as I think about the possible receiver (it could be anybody) and what they would like, I get so excited. Not because I ever think that what I have to offer is fantastic, because I fall way low on the crafty pedestal at this party, but because it bonds us all together. I know that while I am working on my project, everybody else is too. And then we all meet to celebrate, and everybody has their gift all wrapped up, and we laugh and visit as we exchange. And everybody gives the mandatory "ohs and ahs" after each and every presentation. And it's exciting to see who ends up with what. But, the most special part is that sometimes you recieve a gift that you know will be a future family heirloom. Because it was handmade by your dear aunt, or closest cousin, or even your special grandmother.

I'm now looking forward with great anticipation to Haynie Christmas 2008! And I've been working on my gift. And I'm feeling a little bit more Christmas-y!

Desperate Housewives

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I'm just not getting into my normal Christmas excitement. Maybe it's because I feel like morning/night-sickness is taking it's toll. Or because I feel like I can't keep my eyes open for longer than an hour. Or because I'm so tired of looking around at the same chores to be done every moment of every day. Or because the economy stinks and we've decided to cut back this year-alot.

Whatever the reason, it's starting to really annoy me. I'm always the one in Christmas overdrive at our house. And I've had the tree and decorations up since Thanksgiving weekend, and I've been enjoying my Christmas music--but it just doesn't feel like it's kicked in yet.

And not that I'm complaining about not spending enough money this year. Because I'm not. I think cutting back every year sounds like a good idea. But we aren't doing adult sibling gifts, or cousin gifts, or neighbor gifts, and probably not even Christmas cards. And all of this change has made for a much less stressful December. But almost to the point of feeling like there's nothing to do. And that makes it seem like it's not really Christmas.

So, I've determined, as of today, to make myself get into the Christmas spirit--somehow. I'm not sure how to go about that, because I've never had to try before. Any suggestions?

be-UTE-iful

I've learned a few things this week...some of which surprised me.

First, I love a good fight. {Is there something wrong with me?} Cougars, don't try to do your stupid Haka on our field. We won't let you.

Second, when your only game plan is to throw to the same person all night long, we can do this all night long. And double your score while we're at it.

Third, for the first time in forever, I have respect for Mr. Austin Collie. I've hated him since he arrived in Provo. But, after Saturday's game, he was the only Cougar who was a good sport, and gave props to my Utes for a good job. Who knew? I kind of felt sorry for the poor kid. He's an awesome football player, I will give him that, but his team expected him to do it all. He was exhausted by the 3rd quarter. Who I will not acknowledge as being good sports is Mr. Mendenhall and Mr. Hall. What a bunch of sore losers! People expect more out of you, Bronco. But I don't. And I don't like you, either.

Then, on Monday, I learned this...

Okay, I already knew. But it was confirmed at the Dr's office. And I couldn't be more excited! And neither could the girls. They are already asking when the baby is coming. It's going to be a long journey I'm afraid. Little one comes sometime in June! {And the best part...I love my doctor. It's always scary to try somebody new, but I hit the bullseye on the first try this time around!}

Our Time Now

In honor of rivalry week, I dug up an old elementary class photo of Shane. It's kind of sad, but very funny.

Game time Saturday 4 pm. Cougars are going down!

Lock-down

Okay, you know the drill. If you want to get in, you're going to have to leave me your email. Lock-down begins promptly.

This means friends, enemies, strangers, stalkers and wannabes. This is an equal opportunity blog.

I know it bites {sorry, Twilight fever, uggh}. Deal with it {Rachael}.

Fully-loaded

It appears that my last post didn't read the way it was intended. For the record, I have no hard feelings about any of the situations that were referred to. Although I do agree that fans need to be nicer to each other, I can take a joke. I sometimes forget that not everybody is on the same page, and what I didn't realize was that my post was going to come off as a rant, which is wasn't meant to be.

So, we need to clear something up. 95% of everything I write on this little blog of mine, is super sarcastic.

My favorite blogs to read are those where the writer is expressing thoughts, beliefs and realities. I love hearing what you have to say, even if I don't agree. And even if I disagree, I still love to know what you think. And because that's what I love to read, that is how I sometimes write. But I would never use this forum to berate or call somebody out for doing something that I disagreed with. So, I go about it with sarcasm. If I think something is funny, it may end up on the blog. But never because I'm upset.

So, unfortunately, if you're looking to steer clear of sarcasm and sporadic controversy, you may want to skip this blog. It won't offend me at all. I realize that we all have different personalities when it comes to this stuff. Just a disclaimer.

And one more thing, while I am outnumbered as a fan at some family parties (on both sides), I very rarely feel offended and/or attacked. No family members and/or relationships were harmed during the before mentioned dinner table exchange.

Quite Frankly

The drama. It never ends.

For Halloween, Shane and I dressed up for each other. He wore my Ute football jersey (and looked hot, by the way), and I wore his "Totally Invested" BYU fan t-shirt. And we both got a good laugh about it--because that's the way we roll. While we can argue about statistics and get all emotional about "fan feelings" during November, we mostly play into each other's hype. And we've dealt with it, mostly lovingly, for more than 10 years. And it's kind of fun.

A couple of weeks ago, at a family party, it was brought up around the dinner table that 2 family members (both men) have stated that they would never have married a Utah fan. Basically, either admitting their admiration for Shane and his ability to lower his standards, or trying to tell me that I'm not worthy enough to be part of a "BYU is better than Utah" family. Niiicce! What do you say at that point?

Wait, it gets worse. Shane tried to lighten things up a bit by saying that he was more than willing to dress himself as a Ute, because it probably meant that he would get lucky (did I mention how good looking that jersey was on him?). I laughed, as did a few others. But, and I'm dead serious, another family member adds "I would rather NOT get lucky than have to wear that". And that just made me sad for his wife.

I mean, seriously? SERIOUSLY? Closed-minded much? Can it really be that bad?

Now, really. I hate BYU football. Let's just state that for the record (as if you didn't already know). And I suppose that most BYU football fans hate my team. But why do we have to hate each other as fans? It's so ridiculous. And I'll be the first to admit that some BYU fans are my least favorite people in the world. But there are other Cougar fans who are my most favorite people. The difference? The way you carry yourself. If you can have a conversation without bashing, I will listen. What I won't listen to is you telling me how your team is better because you won a championship in 1984, and because more people go to your games. Also, I will not listen to you talk sports if I know that you never watch a minute of football. These girls (and, okay, some guys) who are "fans" of their husband's/dad's team, just because, but don't know a thing about what's going on is comical. It's a waste of my time and frankly just ticks me off.

The truth is, we've both had our years where our team is better. And it will continue that way until the end of football. And when it's not your year, it's painful. I understand that, trust me. But don't be a hater of someone who is enjoying the ride. Get over it! I will cheer as hard as I can for my Utes, you cheer as loud as you want for your Cougars.

And instead of asking my husband "how can you be married to a Ute fan", just tell me to my face that you can't stand me. I'll respect you alot more that way!

Go Utes! Beat TCU!